Why I Stopped a Friendship With a Compulsive Attention-Seeker
Feeling obligated to give attention instead of providing authentic responses without being provoked to do so is forced and painful
Photo Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
Everyone needs attention like we need to breathe, and it is human nature to want to be treated with kindness, taken seriously, and loved. So in a positive way, attention-seeking behaviors come from a place most of us can understand.
As neuroscientist Billi Gordon writes in Psychology Today, “Getting attention is necessary for vital enterprises and can be the difference between life and death in a crisis.”
But there is a line between attention-seeking behavior and craving regular attention. While attention makes us feel appreciated and loved, feeling obligated to give attention instead of wanting to provide genuine attention without being provoked to do so is forced and unpleasant.
I had such an experience
Before delving into what it means to have a relationship with an attention-getter, it’s worth clarifying that not all attention-seeking is bad.
There goes the story:
My 20-year relationship with a friend was a spectacle from the start. She was in the habit of taking me to and from being lured to being neglected. She drew me close whenever she needed attention and then pushed me away the next moment. She’d ask me a question, and before I had the chance to answer, she’d change the conversation’s direction and steer it toward her.
It’s exhausting to constantly accommodate the wants of a person who yearns for attention. Her behavior left me feeling used and manipulated.
What’s clear to me now is that she checks most of the boxes for attention-seeking.
True friends
Aristotle maintained that carrying on with practical wisdom was based on a good or fellow-feeling towards others. True Friends want to look out for you and your best interests. They’re straightforward with you, they’re there whenever you need them, and they really care.
True Friends are people you talk about the heavy stuff with — your health problems, politics, religion, mental problems, etc. But sometimes friendships grow complicated with pain or loss or bad deeds.
My personal life came blowing back in my face with a tsunami force.
When I gently pointed out to the aforementioned friend how her behavior affected me and others around her, the consequences were swift and brutal. (More about that later.)
Attention seekers are not bad people. Much was written about that and this subject. Some professionals maintain that attention-seeking behaviors are motivated by low self-esteem, jealousy, loneliness, or a psychiatric disorder.
According to Dr. Gordon, “Excessive attention-seeking is not a character flaw. It is a brain-wiring response to early developmental trauma caused by neglect.”
The many faces of attention seekers
We often encounter such behavior with a reservoir of drama and conflict. If you know someone like this, prepare for some particularly exaggerated stories, probably based on half-truths.
They will give you the impression that their lives are so grand that you should feel blessed to be their friend.
And they have a distinctive way of connecting with others. No matter whom you talk about, even if they’ve never met, the attention seeker will somehow know them and consider everybody their friend.
How attention-seeking plays out can differ drastically from person to person.
Sometimes the behavior is apparent, such as when they make a hostile comment. Sometimes the behaviors are more understated, such as when they constantly fish for compliments or dress provocatively, or those who abuse alcohol, substances, or food.
Remember, not all attention-seeking is bad.
Consequences
The swipe at me was especially nasty because although it might have been good for her self-serving intentions, it came at a cost for me. I was honest with her and cared enough to tell her the truth. She used her anger by spreading rumors and speaking ill of me, divulging private things I shared with her.
I moved on.
Eventually, she found a new cohort of friends willing to lap up the drama.
But I now think of the peace and calm that has descended upon me and my life. It’s time to go and hold on to genuine friends with their feet firmly planted. L & J & M & E, you know who you are. I love you!
If you want to read more about friendship, here is a great article by Alberto García titled, Four Subtle Signs Warning You That Someone is a Fake Friend.
Thank you sincerely for reading and sticking with me to the end.